I once read that your cells fully regenerate every 7 years, meaning that on a molecular level, you’re a different person today than you were in 2017.
Let me take you back to 2017.
I was trapped in a dangerous marriage, desperately trying to get pregnant despite feeling afraid of my partner and unsafe in my own home. I just needed someone to love me; a baby felt like my only option.
My first niece was just a few months old, and not getting to see her as often as I wanted killed me. So, we spent my 26th birthday at my sister’s. A few months later, she would reveal to me that as soon as we left after a long weekend, her husband reported, “Something is off with him. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was on drugs.”
Spoiler Alert: He was.
On Valentine’s Day, a dozen roses were delivered to the office we shared. A few things to note here:
- I’m not a fan of flowers as a gift in the first place. I’m a practical spender, so they feel like a waste of money.
- They’re already dead.
- They don’t last.
- As soon as they start to wilt, they smell like shit.
- Instead of bringing them to me at the OFFICE WE SHARED, he paid the delivery fee.
- Roses aren’t even in my top 5 favorite flowers, so that told me he put absolutely zero thought into it.
And yes, he knew all of these things about me.
From there, things moved quickly. In March, we got into a fight on the anniversary of my dad’s death, and within a few weeks, I filed paperwork.
My divorce was finalized the day after my mom’s birthday in April. I still think that was the best gift I’ve ever given her.
Immediately following that, I did what I had always done in times of trauma and uncertainty. I turned to faith. I sought out religious leaders. I devoured scripture-based self-help books. I had very tight filters on my dating apps so that I would only be served “godly men.”
And for years, I was disappointed, mistreated, used, and abused time after time by men claiming Christian in their bio.
Between that, the rise of MAGA, COVID isolation, TikTok, discovering my sexuality, and an infinite number of other variables and factors, I began a journey of deconstructing the religion I was indoctrinated into.
The religion that trained me with values like:
- Dancing with boys is a sin, but performing in a cheer uniform for adults is not.
- Your value as a human is inherently tied up in whether men desire you.
- But don’t you dare give in to them until they become your husband.
- It’s your job as a girl never to cause a boy to stumble.
- Boys cannot control themselves, so it’s your responsibility to remain pure.
- Being gay is a sin, but the church will actively work to cover up for and protect child predators.
- The husband is the leader of the family, and you should obey and defer to him.
- The greatest blessing you could ever receive from God is to be a wife and mother, so that should be your ultimate goal above all else.
It didn’t take long to realize that I was being groomed to marry my abuser 20 years before I even met him, and if I didn’t start to challenge my own beliefs, I was destined to do it again.
The human experience means evolving, growing, discovering, experiencing, attempting, failing, searching, thinking, hoping, dreaming, wishing, loving, and everything in between. If you’re not on a constant journey of change, you’re not living life to the fullest.
I spent 7 years by myself, embracing myself, learning about myself, healing myself, and learning to love who I am now while finding space to forgive and nurture the girl I used to be.
After a complete cellular makeover, I’m a queer woman with no intention of having children, who’s madly in love with an atheist that is kinder, gentler, and more attentive than any man I’ve ever met who claimed to know Christ.
In 7 years, I’ll turn 40. Fuck, time is a bitch. I have a lot of hopes and dreams for the woman I’ll be then, but I’ve given up making forecasts and predictions for my life. We never know what’s just around the corner, so I’m happy just to be along for the ride, and I’m thankful I have people to take the journey with me.
@DatingtrApps 